What's Changed Lately
This is the Turtle Trax revision history for our sixth year. Some of the original links have been removed because the pages referred to have changed or no longer exist. In particular, we do not put Turtle Happenings pages in an archive, so the current page is unlikely to reflect the changes listed here.
Trying to do our part in jump-starting the flagging economy, we cut entrance fees to the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. The Dow Jones took no notice, Standard & Poor didn't move a smidgen, the New York, Toronto, and London stock exchanges went their merry way, and 46 people came to the show. Despite the fact that our presentation was way more exciting than anything happening in the financial world, only 6 people had enough interest (excuse financial pun) to stay until the outrageous finale was on screen. Only one name was deposited to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, however. We just want you to know that if the enconomy goes into recession, it won't be our fault.
We told them it would be grueling, punishing, brutal, and tortuous, but that didn't deter them. On they came, 56 contestants who thought they could survive the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). It wasn't long before they discovered that we weren't exaggerating, however. As image after image appeared on the screen, they weakened, faded, and their numbers dwindled. When the masterful and magnificent closing scene concluded, only 5 weary and exhausted viewers remained. Voting then took place, but apparently the voting machinery was imported from Florida. When the votes were tallied, they had all voted themselves off the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. The viewers have spoken.
In an attempt to generate badly needed funds for Quantum Bogodynamic research, a former superpower (recently demoted to sidekickpower) persuaded us to allow them to sell a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. 65 excited amateur Bogonauts showed up at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) and forked over Big Bucks to be allowed to train for the honour, but the gruelling pace soon had them dropping like NASDAQ dot coms. By the time the dazzling denouement was displayed, only 15 candidates remained. Of course all were eager to claim the one place that was for sale, but in keeping with the spirit of the sidekickpower's new status as a democracy, the place went to the person who offered the most money.
Tension dominated the atmosphere last week at the Summit for Global Access to Bandwidth Wastage. Despite the erection of a chain link fence, 54 people managed to get in to the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). Concrete barricades and tear gas were also ineffective, since all but 12 of them managed to get out again before the electrifying ending. (The ending was electrifying, not the security perimeter.) One excited viewer demanded a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
41 people showed up at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, demanding an apology before they would leave. We fooled them however, we cleverly started the show. Before you could say "International incident," the place started to clear. 9 people persisted, however, remaining right through to the extraordinary ending and continuing their demands. Delicate negotiations ensued. Eventually we reached a settlement, resulting in our official Statement of Penitence:
We express sincere regret and sorrow. We lament the circumstances and we do feel contrite; however, this should in no way be interpreted as an apology.
Since no one asked, we couldn't elevate anyone to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. Sorry about that.
Apparently the change from Standard to Daylight Savings time confused a lot of people, because only 40 showed up for the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. No doubt thousands more, having forgotten to reset their clocks, showed up and realized they had missed the start. Not wanting to spoil the show, naturally they would go away and come back another time, possibly this week. Meanwhile, some of those inside apparently also were mixed up about the time, since several people hurried towards the exits muttering to themselves about not having enough time to waste and such like that. 14 people did observe the entire spectacle, and one even signed up for the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
44 people were discovered hiding in the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, trying to avoid the legendary March lion that was apparently still thought to be rampaging about the Northern Hemisphere. Fear of the lion's wrath was not enough to keep most of them there, however, and only 5 chose to hang on through the entire show rather than face the fierce fiend of March. Needless to say, all of them were pretty sheepish when they finally stuck their heads out long enough to realize that they had actually been cowering from a cute little lamb. The shame prevented anyone from seeking a position on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, although one was bold enough to declare that he would not be lion low next year, and another said that it was the last time he'd go on the lamb.
Apprehensive because of reports of falling stock markets and space stations, 62 people sought shelter at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. Fear was not a strong enough motivation to keep them watching, however, and just 6 remained for the colossally colourful conclusion. One of them recovered sufficiently to request a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. We do not have a report on how many of those who left the building were eventually struck by pieces of Mir or jumping stockbrokers.
We painted the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) green last week, doing the honours for good old St. Paddy. Sure and weren't we forgetting that old St. Pat was a herptophobe, what with his chasing the snakes away and all? Indeed we were! No doubt our brains were addled by green being such a lovely reptilian colour. For all that, 57 of you lot showed up and we kept 11 flummoxed long enough to put on the whole show. One boyo was so gobsmacked he watched it backwards too and then asked to be included on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. Saints be praised!
With the annual March Break upon us, 57 people flocked to the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, looking for sun, fun, and adventure. Unfortunately, the sun was in the shop for repairs and they had to get their fun and adventure from shovelling out from under the latest onslaught of Pennsylvania Frozen Sunshine(TM). 11 of the frolickers were cold-stunned and had to be assisted out after the colossal concluding scene. Nary a one of them thawed out in time to claim a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. You have to admit that was cool.
90 people snuck into the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) while we were away. Obviously its reputation for excitement and adventure has spread far and wide, and some thrill-seekers couldn't resist. Clearly, it proved too much for the weaker ones, since only 26 of the miscreants stayed for the complete showing. Only one was so brash as to leave a name to be added to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, an act so cheeky that we declined to press charges. We wish to warn future trespassers, however, to beware of the shark.
The 21st Annual Sea Turtle Symposium on Sea Turtle Biology and Conservation is upon us. This will be our last update until March 3, 2001. Mahalo for your patience.
45 people were suspected of not taking gifts when they left the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. In particular, a pair of autographed sweat socks, two embroidered penwipers, and a used chia cow valued at $1.79 seem to have been refused. Although 8 of those who showed up remained to view the complete performance, they too showed complete disdain for the definitely distinctive, undeniably unique, one-of-a-kind benefactions. One person did finally accept the glorious honour of being included in the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, but only if we promised to give someone else the exquisite cheese doodle sculpture of the Queen Mum.
Severe cold and icy conditions resulted in 52 cold-stunned viewers undergoing rehabilitation at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. Even though we handed out scarves, mittens, and touques with the motto "We're Canadians, eh?", all but 8 left as soon as their limbs defrosted enough to function. Those that stayed were treated to the chilling conclusion, which had the unfortunate consequence of forcing us to begin rehabilation all over again. The first 2 we unthawed agreed to accept places on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers if we promised not to be quite so cool in the future.
Last week 45 candidates tried out for spots in the pilot for our potential new reality-based Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM), tentatively named "Who Wants to be the Mole Survivor on Temptation Island?" Alas, the first challenge--absorb the entire BogusCam(TM) experience--brought all but 4 to their collective knees. Most voted themselves right out the door before the fabulous finale flickered across the screen. None felt themselves worthy to claim a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
A focus group of 52 viewers attended the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, expecting to be given a sneak preview of a blockbuster commercial to be shown during this year's Stupor Bowl. As the show progressed, many of the audience succumbed to the urge to seek potato chips, popcorn, and beverages, leaving only 6 witnesses to the inevitably exciting ending. "I thought it was the best Stupor Bowl ad yet," said one animated viewer. "I don't know what they were selling, but I want one." Although no one signed up for the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, industry analysts predicted it would have a huge first quarter thanks to the innovative and unusual ad campaign, which features no commercials.
A soon-to-be highly placed official, who asked to remain synonymous, last week described the controversial Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) as the "Unofficial BogusCam(TM) of the 43rd Precedent." This prompted 52 viewers to visit, 8 of whom were riveted to their seats right though to the captivating culmination. (The others escaped before we could get to them with the rivet gun.) "Me and Laura decided the Wide House needed an Unofficial thingie," said the official. "Easy decision. No contest really. Don't need disappointment hearings in the Synod to do it." We are not at liberty to divulge whether our source was the sole viewer who claimed a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
47 TV-stunned viewers sought rehabilitation at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. There have been numerous reports that the latest offerings from the networks were more mind-numbing than usual, and it is thought that the onset of the NFL playoffs caught incautious viewers off guard and rotted their brains. All but 8 of them recovered sufficiently during the BogusCam(TM) presentation to find the exit. Of those that needed the shock of the astounding conclusion, only one did not recover enough to avoid being added to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. All have been returned to their regular programming.
Reports of an enigmatic black monolith appearing at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) attracted 36 of the curious last week. In a remarkable coincidence, all who gazed upon it uttered the same comment: "Why... it's full of bogosity!" Those with weak will could not absorb the entire experience, but 8 viewers finished the mind-bending trip. Not one of them claimed a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, however, since upon completion, each and every one of them was struck on the head by a mysterious falling bone.
Last week the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) drew only 22 viewers, leaving us to ponder the wisdom of our new entry policy. In order to get into the spirit of the season, we required that those wishing to attend be dressed in red from head to toe, carry a large sack full of toys and candies, and enter only through the chimney specially erected just for the occasion. We made the long white beard optional for females. Alas, all but 2 of our visitors failed to watch the exciting presentation through to its electrifying completion. (Possibly soot got in the eyes of the others.) Neither of them remembered to join the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
Despite heavy snowfalls and icy conditions, 39 people made it to view the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. "There's definitely a lot of shovelling going on here," mused one befuddled attendee. "Yes, I think we're really being snowed," commented another. They both agreed that the weather was awful too. Meanwhile, 7 of those who showed up watched the whole production, including the chilling finish. One person, who was determined not to be frozen off the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, remarked, "Perhaps with this weather it's time to turn off the 'Cool Inside' sign." Well, we can't do that, it's still really Way Cool.
Well, we tried to shut down the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) for cleaning last week, but 49 determined viewers stormed the barricades and insisted on wasting copious quantities of bandwidth. Fortunately for the Internet, all but 7 of them gave up before reaching the widely acknowledged stupendous climax. Asked about the high incidence of spectaculum interruptum, a spokesman stated simply, "Many people cannot handle the intense excitement as it builds throughout the viewing. We warn people about this, but people usually think we're too cautious. They learn the hard way." He also pointed out that all of those who completed the viewing were too excited to claim a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
We wanted to report to you that 49 people viewed the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, but a Sublime Court order forced us to stop counting. A lower court earlier ruled that we had to report the exact total of viewers (8) who watched the entire performance up to the magnificent final scene, but under no circumstances were we permitted to count them. Naturally, all of our viewers were too confused to accept their rightful places on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
Who would have thought that counting could be so confusing? We swear that 53 smiling faces had passed through the doors when the lights were dimmed at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week--but when the scintillating spectacle concluded, only 3 people remained! One of them was impressed enough to claim a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. We're not sure how we miscounted so badly, but we suspect that it had something to do with all those dimpled cheeks.
For the record, we are absolutely sure that 33 people actually attended at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. Recent turmoil and confusion at other counting sites that we courteously refuse to name persuaded us to review our counting procedures, with the result that we now have a machine to do our counting. Viewers simply insert a card behind our carefully designed definitely not a butterfly template, then punch the hole next to the large arrow. No, the other arrow. Yes, you punch that hole. No, the hole next to the arrow, above that other hole. Simple, wasn't it? Now the machine does the counting for us, way more accurate than silly old people.
Reports of several cases of "doubtful plaid" have cast doubt on this week's count of 51 (maybe) viewers at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). In a hasty court ruling, a judge declared that a viewer who wore any form of checkerboard pattern could be considered as having plaid intent and should be counted. A separate case asked the court to rule on the legality of counting viewers based on clothing patterns, but the suit was rejected as exceptionally gaudy. Meanwhile, 8 viewers wearing tartan ties, socks, or tams were certified as having witnessed the entire show right through the stupendous climax. We offered to place anyone wearing plaid underwear on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, but no one came forward, adding yet more support to the popular belief concerning what is worn under the kilt.
Confusion and turmoil reigned supreme last week as counting irregularities surfaced at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). Despite a mandatory recount, we were unable to determine exactly how many of the 58 viewers really intended to watch. Claims have been put forth that some viewers thought they were seeing live coverage of the US presidential election, and that others accidentally viewed at least some parts of the BogusCam(TM) twice! The current results show that 8 viewers saw the magnificent final scene, but this will not be final until we count absentee viewers, estimated at 6,108,472,135. One viewer has demanded a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, claiming that no matter what the intention, sitting through the thrilling conclusion is an achievement that must be recognized. Barring a court injunction, we will comply.
As owners and operators of the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM), we would like to confess that, yes, it is true that 48 people committed bandwidth wastage last week within its confines. We hasten to point out, however, that only 5 of these wasted the maximum possible bandwidth by remaining to view the shocking yet strangely fascinating final scene. Perhaps to protect themselves in future campaigns for public office, not one of them submitted a name (theirs or anyone else's) to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. We also emphasize for the benefit of the media that as far as we are aware, none of the wastage was committed by George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jean Chretien, Stockwell Day, Hazel McCallion, or Mel Lastman.
In the spirit of Hallowe'en, this past week we disguised the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) as a new Metallica performance art piece available through Napster, and fooled an amazing 51 web surfers. Not all of them fled in screaming horror, and in fact 4 even watched right until the final terrifying but riveting scene. Apparently they didn't believe us when we explained that Lars Ulrich wouldn't be suing them after all. It is therefore understandable that none of them wanted to be added to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
We moved the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) to the New York subway this week, and our disguise as the entrance to Yankee Stadium snagged 54 unsuspecting viewers. Unfortunately, the ruse didn't work as planned, and only 4 of them stayed to witness the thrilling spectacular climax. It turned out that they all refused to leave until they were paid something, resulting in a net loss this week of 74 US cents, sixteen empty bottles, three plastic bags, and one left running shoe. We couldn't pay anyone enough to get them to list themselves on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
The Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) unexpectedly became the centre of controversy in the US presidential debates last week. Governor Bush accused Vice President Gore of inventing "the most frivolous waster of time ever--the internet!" Bush then cited the BogusCam(TM) as the epitome of Gore's folly, pointing out that 52 people watched last week, and an astonishing (to him) 7 viewers took in the entire presentation! As proof that the BogusCam(TM) is "a viscious destroyer of the minds of our nation," Bush offered the fact that 2 of the viewers actually claimed places on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. Gore's response: "Yes, but wasn't that final scene mind-boggling, dude?"
Attendance at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) only reached 43 viewers last week, a showing we attribute to the compelling drawing power of the US presidential and vice-presidential debates. We are confident that we could have done well against either of these debates alone, but we were helpless against the onslaught of both debates being held in the same week. Their attraction was so potent that people actually left the BogusCam(TM) while it was in progress, resulting in only 6 whose resolution was strong enough to get them to the final climatic scene. Unfortunately, the strain left all of them too drained to accept a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. We will, of course, file a complaint with the Committee for the Enforcement of Fair Competition for Profligacy.
The 39 viewers who showed up to take in the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week were taken by surprise by our new testing program. In order to quiet rumours that some Bogonauts were cheating in order to watch the entire presentation, we decided that a sneak test was needed. Unknown to potential Bogonauts, we installed super-sensitive microphones that could detect even the slightest of snores. To our dismay, we did find that some Bogonauts were attempting to finish by sleeping during the show. Of the 4 viewers who watched the complete performance, only 1 was determined to have finished entirely sleep-free. Needless to say, the cheaters were immediately disqualified, while our honest watcher was added to the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
A field of 24 aspiring Bogonauts showed up for the qualifying heats of the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. Despite rigorous training regimes, which for some included such techniques as repeated viewings of "Ishtar" and "Waterworld", just 3 managed to cross the finish line. The final climatic scene was too much for the bronze and silver medallists, however, leaving only the gold medal winner to claim a place on on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
44 excited and exuberant potential Bogonauts participated last week in the grand gala of opening ceremonies for the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) Quadrennial Viewing. Reviewers particularly praised the dream sequence, in which a mythical Turtle of the World rises from the corals and swims majestically through the sky, bearing the universe on its back. In fact, the vision was obviously too overpowering for many, and just 12 people remained by the time the stunning final scenes played out. Only one recovered from the spectacle quickly enough to remember to claim a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
39 eager scholars turned up at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, complete with scrubbed faces, pencil boxes, and shiny new shoes. Apparently a misprint in one school's schedule had listed attendance at the BogusCam(TM) as a full credit, but it turned out to be a harder grind than some expected. Only 7 were able to complete the course, and the strain was so great that none of them remembered to ask to be included on the Dean's List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
Last week, we asked 45 people to rub the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) on their heads according to our carefully designed programme, and provide us with feedback. Unfortunately, only 4 of them actually completed the course, leaving us with a smaller sample than we would have liked. When interviewed, the finishers were unanimous in concluding that if applied vigorously and according to directions, the BogusCam(TM) does produce numbness of the brain as claimed, but does not stimulate hair growth. Unfortunately, the numbing effect must be reduced in future BogusCam(TM) product, since it apparently made everyone forget to request a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. WARNING: use only as directed.
Just in time to catch the end of the summer movie season, we have released our astonishing frame-by-frame re-creation of the original Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). Latest figures show that it finished 389th out of 388 new releases this summer, attracting an eye-opening 31 viewers in its first week. Comments from some of the patrons (those that we could tackle as they hastily departed) include: "...identical to the original in every way...", "...a colossal waste of bandwidth...", and "...let me out of here oh please I'll do anything..."
By the time the last scene faded from the screen, only 3 viewers remained. None of them could be persuaded to comment or join the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, even after the three hours it took for the glazed look to disappear. Plans for Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) T-shirts, Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) mugs, and Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) action figures are currently on hold.
This week has been absolutely horrid as far as our internet connection is concerned. We have been cut off from email most of the time, and cannot receive as this is written. Both of our service providers (here on Maui and back in Toronto) have been experiencing major difficulties. If you have been trying to reach us, please do not adjust your internet. We trust the problems will be corrected shortly.
An unknown number of anonymous invaders stormed the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, demanding the right to waste bandwidth in copious quantities. Rather than create ripples in the otherwise placid cosmic ether, we let them have their way. As we expected, an undetermined but substantial portion of their numbers staggered away in disbelief long before the spectacular climax. Of the remainder, all were so awestruck not a single one remembered to join the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
In a recent poll (just last week in fact), we asked 39 random netizens for their opinion of the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). 6 respondents, or a stunning 15.3846153846153846153846153846154%, loved it so much that they stayed glued to their seats right up until the final awe-inspiring scene. (Glue by "Gloppy Gloo", the glue that sticks in your mind!) One viewer sat through twice (not enough glue dissolver) and insisted that had to qualify for a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. We intended to report on the responses of the other participants, but a turtle ate our floppy disk. (Really!)
A specially convened Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) convention was held last week for the purposes of nominating one of their number as the Turtle Trax candidate for Lead Bandwidth Waster and vice-Lead Bandwidth Water for the World Wide Web. Since the gathering was held in Philadelphia, it attracted 35 delegates. The Credentials Committee insisted that only those who had viewed the fantastic finale would be eligible to vote, however, eliminating all but 15 personages. The 2 selected Bogonauts immediately asked to be included on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, of course. We at Turtle Trax urge you to support our candidates and on Election Day, remember the tradition of the Web: vote early, vote often.
We acknowledge that many have derided our new show, "Who wants to be an Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) survivor?", as derivative and a desperate attempt to revive bandwidth wastage, but the facts speak for themselves. 41--yes, you read that right, forty-one--viewers showed up and 9 of them even watched until the shocking climax faded from their screens. As required by the rules, the 9 AWCBC(TM) survivors then voted one of their number to be the Designated Survivor to be listed on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. Warning: Turtle Trax will take immediate legal action should any other web site reveal which Bogonaut was voted onto the list.
A group of 39 scientists moved into their simulated Mars colony last week in the desolate Great White North (beauty, eh?), planning to remain inside their habitat for two years. Their only entertainment was to be the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM). This proved a daunting test of their dedication, in fact so much so that all but 9 of the would-be Mars colonists fled the habitat before the astounding climax. One, however, was not intimidated and even asked to be included on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. Note: in no way should this result be interpreted as reflecting on the planet of origin of the creators of Turtle Trax, the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM), or any part thereof.
In a stunning landmark decision last week, a jury of 6 non-Bogonauts found the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) guilty of unprecedented bandwidth wastage and awarded an unnamed 2 billion internet users a gazillion dollars each. This did not deter 29 viewers, however, and 7 of them were so undeterred they stayed until the remarkable (and apparently illegal) climax. One Bogonaut was defiant ewnough to request a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. We at Turtle Trax are confident that this ridiculous judgment will be reversed on appeal.
An amazing 30 would-be Bogonauts showed up for the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, all hoping to witness a sucessful test of the Anti-anti-bandwidth-wastage-mission (AABWM). The test was only partially successful, however. Some of the bandwidth was declared "not wasted" since six Bogonauts actually watched the entire presentation. The official ruling was that this therefore constituted "entertainment" (due to the exciting nature of the amazing ending) and could not be counted as frivolous net usage. The six were so dismayed that all of them forgot to ask to be placed on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
Well, the Surprise Special Week at the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) is over, and we're disappointed to bring you the dismal results. Only 28 Bogonauts showed up, a terrible turnout. While 7 of these did hang on to witness the eye-popping conclusion, not one of them requested a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. The most unfortunate news of all is that during Surprise Special Week, all those who claimed their rightful honoured spot on the List were to be awarded one gazillion Bogobucks. Yes, you read that right, one GAZILLION! It's too late now, though. No Bogobucks for you!
Only 37 Bogonauts showed up last week, and of those a pitiful two (yes, that's two) hung in to witness the spectacular ending sequence. Neither of them remembered to claim a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. The bandwidth wastage competition has heated up, and it took only a few minutes on the web to find the new challenger: the nefarious Napster! We are therefore announcing the BogusCamster, to be released Real Soon Now! BogusCamster will place bandwidth wastage right on your desktop instead of you having to go out and hunt it down! Useless Bogonized images will flow right through your modem and onto your screen! You won't want to miss this new astounding new breakthrough in technology! Get BogusCamster tomorrow! (Or maybe next week... next month might be good..)
Another 26 people fell under the spell of the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week. We hasten to point out that we are aware that hypnotism for purposes of entertainment has been ruled illegal in 193 countries, 37 US states, and 9 Canadian provinces. We stress that the BogusCam(TM) is not entertainment, it is educational, providing a serious lesson in the frivolous use of bandwidth. We also want to point out that 8 people were so intent in their pursuit of enlightenment that they watched each and every frame, including the highly educational yet thoroughly thrilling climax. In fact, they were all so well educated that not one of them applied for a place on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers.
Only 28 viewers attended the Awesomely Way Cool BogusCam(TM) last week, prompting an investigation by the House Bandwidth Wastage and Frivolous Usage Committee. Called as witnesses were the 4 people who remained in attendance until the furiously frantic finale, with the key witness being the one person who asked to placed on List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers. According to testimony, the advent of cable modems and DSL lines have reduced bandwidth wastage from an art requiring pain-staking care and devotion to something anyone can do without thinking about it, so nobody does. The Committee is contemplating mandatory streaming video from the BogusCam(TM) Mark II to be placed on all desktops to rectify the situation.
52 people tried out last week for the astoundingly popular new show, "Who wants to be a Bogonaut?" Most of them seemed to have trouble with the notoriously difficult Furiously Fast Flippers round, however. By the time the salt spray settled, only 9 made it through to the electrifying ending scene. Regrettably, even with 3 Lifelines each no one actually qualified to become a True Bogonaut. The essential step is to request a place on on the List of Distinguished BogusCam(TM) Watchers, and none of them did that. We attribute this to the extreme pressure and excitement created just by participating.
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